We have all had moments in our life where we are confused, empty, lost, and unsure of who we are or where we are even suppose to go. This series is allowing me to share with you the moments where I felt all of these emotions. I want you to walk away knowing that you are not alone and that you have never been alone.
There is a code of silence that I held together for many years. I believed needed to be upheld in order for my life to remain the same. But with that code of silence comes an unbreakable bond between silence and depression, questions of worthiness, and bouts of shame that no one should ever feel.
Feeling yourself slowly slip away is an experience you can't explain. Watching your life drain from your body as if no one really wanted you there in the first place. Death would have been easier. Laying there limp, exhausted, broken, and dirty with no one there that can help. I picked myself up but didn't put myself back together again for many years.
On December 18, 2003, my world came crashing down around me. I never expected to be living lost years. Walking around with nothing inside. Just a shell of a woman who once existed. Hiding it from the world because they didn't need to know that I was stained, dirty, and a disgrace. If I kept that inside of me, the pain would silence the voices of disapproval.
In a world that seeks perfection, I needed to hide the hell that was going on inside. The turmoil that my brain, heart, and body were in. But I have realized that holding pain allows it to grow. That seeking perfection allows for him to win. That the turmoil inside needed to be released in order for me to heal. That I was NEVER dirty or stained or disgraced. That I was a woman who had fought a battle and survived.
Survival was all I did for many years. There were moments of happiness, moments of pure joy, and moments that my life looked great from the outside. I met a man who loved me and started to mend some of the broken pieces. I got married, moved to Canada, and had children. From the outside looking in, my life was great. I had everything I had ever hoped for. However, from the inside looking out, I was still the broken girl that I had been since 2003.
Walking around not knowing who I was took a toll on me. I was confused, desperate, and just wanted out of the darkness. Pretending to be someone you are not is exhausting. It's harder to live in denial than it is to live in vulnerability. How do you do that when you no longer recognize who you are?
I didn't know how to do this until I was in a place where no one knew me. It was a safe place to be vulnerable. No one could look back at who I was in the past and say, "Hey you used to be like this." I started the only way that I knew how. I made a list of all the things I used to love to do. Did I still love them? Well, I had to give them a try and see for myself.
It took me a while but I slowly began to realize that things changed for me. Some of my hobbies changed. I got rid of the old and had to look for ways to bring in new things. It was give and take. It was a way for me to look at myself without seeing despair. I no longer wanted to be desperate. I wanted to feel whole, complete, and content. I no longer wanted to wage a war on myself that I didn't even start.
What is it that makes you YOU? Take time today to write down in a journal or a safe place. Write a list of things that you love about yourself. This can help you get started finding yourself after being lost.
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